Today, I seemed to have stalled. I have certain times of the month where I seem to slip into a downward spiral where everything is just much too to cope with and I hate everything about myself. My head fills with doubts and paranoia of bad things going to happen or generally being unlucky. I very rarely get my hopes up & shy away from planning big things, in the fear of being let down and being unable to hide the disapointment from those that know me.
So today I am sitting gazing out the window at the grass, wishing I was at home hiding from the world. My head is filled with doubts about everything from my relationship, the future, my ability to do my job, to my distorted self image in the mirror. And not really wanting to talk or my Mum/ friends/ partner telling me it is ok & smothering me with all the common sense facts of my life of why I should be happy, because something inside me says I am not.
We are off to see the wedding planner at 4.30pm today, which I should be excited at but it feels all too much to think about at the moment and it is another thing that I am worrying might somehow go wrong.
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3 comments:
God, that is so like me today. I just don't care about seeing anyone, I just want to get home and get in bed, only as it means I won't have to see or be around anybody.
I'm sure the wedding planner thing will be fine once you get there.
X
Take a deep breath and just take things a day at a time. Don't think too much. Big hug x
Thanks ladies. X
I know it will be fine when I get there but I get to the point that I think why bother. it isn't the wedding, it is everything else and it just takes one thing to pull everything into the dark tunnel.
I could just put my jacket on & walk out of here today. Jeez.
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