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Sums it up for me today..

The Last Barricade

Well it is almost December.. Hasn't the the year has flown in? This time next year I will be true bag of nerves as it will be a mere 5 weeks to my wedding. Between you and me I am having real panic attack moments .. i know it is just nerves, but it feels a bit like I am then a proper adult. No more excuses..

And when I think about it I can't really say why. I think it is actually the commitment part. Not in a sense of being faithful, but it is the putting your heart in someone else's hands. It isn't the giving myself forever more to my other half, it the sudden realisation that how fragile my heart is. It is almost the fear of failure. What if he decides he doesn't want me? I have seen so many other relationships recently explode/ implode/ dissolve before my eyes and suddenly I am truly scared.

You see, I am a true Sagittarius, I hide behind my freedom and know I can do what I want when I want, but really it is a proetection that I put up. Suddenly I am thinking being married feels like being owned? That I am someone's to throw away or decide they no longer want?

It is like the last barricade of my heart that I am taking down. And I know I am being silly, but the fear is still there. I have wanted to be his wife for so long (since I met him) and now I am about to, I am petrified. It maybe that the news on Thursday about that other couple just shook me a wee bit and I have suddenly realised after 30 years on the planet how easy it is to be hurt.

Flying Foxes, green eyeshadow, a soap star and a Red Wedding.

I had another weird dream last night about Jay in Eastenders and my psycho ex boyfriend ( he was a mean ol' Ex) . I dreamt we were in bed in this big old house and Pyscho Ex came to the room door. I knew it was him and was scared & hide under the covers.

Anyway Jay got up & I could hear them talking outside the door, Jay saying to wasn't me, it was someone else. But I could hear Pyscho Ex getting angrier and angrier and I was worried he would hurt Jay so I got up & went outside the room door.

Suddenly his Mum and equally nutty sister appeared and dragged me downstairs to the wedding they had planned for him & I. When I got down everyone & everything was red, the food was red, there was red streamers everywhere and she was trying to get me to wearing this awful red velvet dress.

I started crying saying it wasn't meant ot be and she kept trying to get me to hold a flower bouquet made from red tissue paper. My head seems to be subconciously filled with worries that I am not aware of when awake, which is perturbing me.

So this morning I am very tired and wearing an uninspiring outfit of a black cocoon dress, opaques, ankle boots and and a leopard print pashima. My hair is slightly wild with my fringe forward.. The only saving grace is that I sporting some emerald Barry M eyeshadow which I am loving at the moment and coveting more of.

I have also fell in love with these little critters, not to everyones taste I know, but who can resist those little faces.. I am pretty sure I could give half a dozen a home in my spare room..

A rebel from the waist down.

Can't beat a grown man with tattoos in Suspenders and make up..

The blog has a new look.

It suits my mood.

Thursday blues.

I am working from home today. I couldn't face being in the office today, partly because I didn't sleep well last night & had weird dreams about self harming.

I dreamt of being in my parents previous house where I grew up and I realised that my Director at work had bought it. She was showing me round pointing out all the the things she had changed. I was trying to tell her politely that I knew the house and I looked down & my arms were covered in hundreds of cuts. I was in shock & couldn't believe I had done it to myself.

So I woke early and decided that my day would be much more productive from home (ha! As she blogs), threw on some clothes & nipped into the office to send key documents back home. I was greeted by one of our young managers upset as her fiance woke her in the middle of the night to tell her that he didn't love her anymore and the wedding is off. When I was told it made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach at the thought of it happening to me.

Dancing Monkeys..

we have something similar in here...they are called Senior management..

PADDLE YOU FOOL!!

PADDLE!!

Being an adult.

Have you almost nearly done something very stupid and then realised how stupid you almost were? Like wandering along a cliff and almost slipping?

Today I was a hair's breadth from making a life wrecking decision and I am now sitting shocked after scaring myself at the thought of it.

I guess this is what being grown up is about. Thinking twice.

Absolutely Barking.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=494876&in_page_id=1773

I don't think I need to say any more.

The joy of cats..

I went out to put rubbish in the bin on Saturday morning. And decided to move the garden one (we have 3 bins for different things), round the corner of the house as we won't be using it much in the Winter. Behind it I found a pile of what seemd to be about 4 mice bodies in various stages of decomposition.

It seems someone has been stockpiling their catches..

Movies, football and suicide.

My week has been pretty non eventful, filled with rising for work when it dark & returning home after it is dark. So I my blogging has been a bit sparse.

Thank you for all the kind comments on my outfit for the weekend before, it went very well and I felt very glam in my outfit. Although we did leave my dress & The Boy's suit in the room, and now have the tedious job of harrassing/ reminding/ chasing the hotel to post it out to us.

On Friday night we went to the cinema to watch an American Gangster, which was good albeit slightly long. Denzel Washington played Frank Lucas, who is a real-life drug dealer who smuggled the drug into the country in American service planes returning from the Vietnam War. Russell Crowe portrays Richie Roberts, a detective who eventually brings down Lucas' drug empire but is fighting his own demons. While I don't really like Russell Crowe ( I never got the sex appeal thing) I am beginning to appreciate him as an actor. As always Denzel was brilliant and I find him believable as a good or bad guy.

The boy spend Saturday with thousands of other Scots & lots of beer watching the nation's footballing hopes being dashed. I as a hater of all things sporting, spent the afternoon starting my Christmas shopping & then I watched a mixture of films. Ranging from the bloody 300, which was spectaculary filmed & would have no doubt been quite something in the cinema, but the story lacked depth so it really was just a chop fest. The other film I watched was Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself.

It is a black comedy set in Glasgow about a guy who keeps trying to end his life. I really only watched it because the beautiful Mads Mikkelsen plays a doctor in it, but not even that could save the film.

However the numerous attempts by Wilbur did prompt me to thinking last night in bed, if I decided to kill myself what would be my choice?
A gun shot to the head seems so brutal and messy and I wouldn't actually know where to get a gun. So that is probably a No..

Hanging myself? Hmmm.. I don't think I would know how to tie the ropes and would probably end up with some nasty burns on my neck.

Drowning is meant to be a peaceful way to go, but would I be able to actually stay under the water? I reckon it would hurt like a bastard ( I have a fear of pain) when the water hits your lungs.. I suppose after that it would be quite peaceful as you slowly pass out from lack of oxygen.
Or maybe gassing would be better? But what if it caused an explosion or something and killed other people?

Or tablets? ( but then what if I didn't take enough and just ended up on dialysis for the rest of my life?)..

So I drifted off to sleep thinking I would probably cut my wrists, it would be painful doing it and I might only be able to do one if I cut the tendons but the mess would be quite bad.

A Week in outfits..

The dress I finally settled on for tomorrow's posh do..

I shall be wearing it with silver heels and this statement bracelet (but in silver).. hair will be loosely curled and pinned back, dark smoky eyes and glossy mauve nails...

I am also waiting on these babies, arriving, which I will wear during the day with some from of drop waist dress and grey tights...

And while tempted by Miss F's glorious new bag purchase from mybestbag.co.uk I will be nipping out later to peruse River Islands leather bag selection as I am hankering after a slouchy tan bag that isn't too heavy. I am hoping they will have my dream item..

Oh and the cats got some new collars. they are all looking very boyish in these macho ones..

Although I have removed the bell from them as the constant rattling when they are wrestling & racing up and down the stairs would drive the sanest person to the edge..

Happy days.