Office Dares.

Bored? Me too. Some fun, that appeals to my humour.

ONE-POINT DARES
1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

THREE-POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites.

FIVE-POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.
6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Sign or p.p. all letters with your initials and a swastika.
15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight".

Happy Halloween.

I have been a bit lax in the old blogging for the past week, time off and cannotbearsed-itis has meant I haven't been online much. But I am now back at work after a few days pottering, watching films and catching up with friends. The last couple of days back at work have been a blur of wading through 200+ emails and trying to remember what had been discussed / done before I went off for the week.

The evenings have been spent watching the live shows of Most Haunted which I love. This Halloween special is in 5 different locations mapping out a pentagram. The freaky part is that they seem to keep contacting witchy types who are spelling out devil stuff like 666, which really creeps me out. It cumulates in tonight's show, which I will miss as I am out at a show called Vampire's Rock.

Which I am a bit dubious about. It seemed a good idea when booking but after watching some videos on youtube, I am beginning to think it might be a bit cringe worthy. But to get myself in the rock mood I listened to some Metallica (Sandman, fact fans) in the car journey this morning which took a whopping 70 minutes due to a 8 car pile up on the main Motorway between Edinburgh & Glasgow. So I am now getting emails from family asking if I am ok as I travel that road & have a history of car crashes..

Other than that not much else. I am deliberating christmas presents, primarily shall I get the boy a PS3 for his? And Miss F's new tattoo is making me want to get another one done. I also desperately want a weekend away, so I am dreaming of a December trip to Amsterdam which watching the leaves all of the trees outside my window.

Monday worries.

The Escape Artist is in the vets this morning getting his knackers snipped. I am fretting he will be ok.

Things to tell you about my week..

A very lazy list type post today.. But my week in a channel 5 news style summary..

Sunday ; I went to a wedding show & ended up trying on wedding dresses! It was all good fun & my mum got all emotional about it. I actually think I have found my dress but I am holding off for a wee bit longer & not rushing into it yet.(the big day is over a year away yet).

Tuesday: saw me transform from a warm burnette to a fiery red head. Not full on red, but more autumnal chesnut. (think Helena christisian) It makes my eyes look very green and I am quite pleased with it.

Wednesday; my new car was delivered & I LOVE IT. I never thought it would be possible to adore a machine so much, but is wonderful. It arrived on my doorstep with a mere 2 miles on the clock all shiny and new and smelling of new leather inside.

Thursday ; I met my Mum for our usual Thursday night catch up and we had a wander round matalan. Where I was pleasantly surprised by their shoe section. Unfortunately all the shoes I loved were sold out in my size.

Today , I thought it was dress down day in the office and have rocked up wearing short shorts, black opaque tights, patent flats, a boyfriend jumper and a pashimna at my neck. Seems everyone else forgot, and they are all in office attire.

So I am feeling a bit self concious but as it is my last day in the office for a week coupled with period pains from hell, I am trying not to do any work and intend to wheel away the hours online mainly via this website where I have found someone who loves Mads Mikkelsen more than I do.

The weekend is seeing me eating with family, going to see Cats with the boy and maybe a bit of gardening if the weather holds up.

Welcome Back Kylie..

I've missed you.

Some Thursday Humour..

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat pooh in theglue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with everyenvelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every tin I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (PennyBrown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
Actually I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the£15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participatingin their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking outfor me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutantfreaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a waterbuffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if Iforward an e-mail to at least seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can removetoilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car soa serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with asample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,Singapore, Outer Mongolia and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when itbites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Now If you don't send this chain to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing youto grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day!

Eye of god.

Ok, I received this in email today. And I am not sure if it is photo shopped or what, but it is a picture NASA took with the Hubbell telescope..

Supposedly this kind of event occurs once in 3000 years. It is called the ‘Eye of God’. And of course is meant to be lucky.. (I will miss out the death threat part if you don’t send it on)

Anyway I figured it is a pretty picture worth sharing

The challenge of friends.

Remember how I posted about my bridesmaid, having an affair with a to-be married man? Well I met her for lunch today, seems her and her g1mp bf are planning a dastardly plan.

He gets married in 2 weeks. Rather than call off the wedding, he is going through with the wedding and asking for a divorce when he gets back from his honeymoon. (some bullsh1t about not wanting to let his Mum down).

He is also hoping to hear news from a job today so he can leave ( him, my mate & his to be wife all work here) so he is completely removed from it, when the sh1t hits the fan. My mate is hoping to get a job at the same place he is hoping to go too. But has nothing concrete yet.

I asked her did she really want to break up a marriage & she met me with a smirk and said she wasn't thinking about it like that, she just wanted him. I just met the reply with silence and was put off my soup.

You see, the part I just DO NOT get why he would go through with it in the first place, it makes utterly no sense. Can anyone tell me why you would want a divorce on your hands, why would you want to do that to someone else. Other than if you were a spiteful bastard or utterly spineless do not know who to talk to about it as I do not want them judging my otherwise good friend, but I find the whole thing depressing and horrible.

Celebrity endorsements.

Is Pat from Eastender’s your style icon? Or how about Kurt Russell.. well you are truly in luck. BOTH endorse this…


http://www.missgroovy.co.uk/product_info.php?products_id=1071

I bet all your make up dreams have been answered now.

Stupidity.

A girl who I work with, is getting married next year & she was away trying on wedding dresses at the weekend. The shop she went to ad a special day where some dress designer was visiting the shop for one day with his new season dresses. Peaheid decided to go along without her glasses - so she could get the proper effect of how it would look on the day.

Result - she is practically blind without them & couldn't see what she looked like in any of the dresses. Now she isn't sure whether to order a dress that her mum liked her in without being able to see / try it on again and she has 2 weeks to order them I time for her big day.

And now we are now all been regaled with this detailed tale over & over, while all secretly thinking to ourselves ‘what a f**king idiot’.

Catslife recommends..

Looking to take pain to a whole new level? Never mind tattoos, try waxing your own bikini line. Good god. I actually questioned my own sanity last night over why I do these things.

I had very weird dreams last night, first off all I dreamt I was driving my brother's car & I took it to a petrol station where I bumped into a couple of boys I went to school with. Where I agreed to lend one of them the car. Which he took off in & was away for ages When he finally appeared back, it was because he had run out of petrol, which I didn't believe as I had just put fuel in it.

Then my dream switched to where I was a polar bear in the Antarctic. All the snow was melting and it ended up I was on a wee bit of ice that was gradually getting smaller & smaller, which kept capsizing with my weight and I was scrambling to get back on but my fur was so heavy & wet. Finally I was just swimming in this slushy icy stuff.. I woke up when I was thinking, Well I am just going to have to let go now, there is nothing else I can do apart from drown.

It makes me sad every time I think about it.

This weekend I learned ..

* Cats are like elephants, they never forget. Thankfully they don't have the body size to do damage, but they do their damnest..
* Primark do fantastic ribbed tights.
* 6 children between the age of 3 and 6 can make an unbelievable amount of noise when put in a room together.
* If your instincts tell you a man is upto no good, he usually is and you are usually right.

And if you are having trouble fighting off those nasty men, I have found just the thing. For a mere £12 these passion killers are yours..

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=486292&in_page_id=1879

'Drop Dead Gorgeous

I watched Casino Royale again on saturday. And while many of you love Mr Craig, this beautiful man coupled with his dutch accent, makes the film for me.

I have dark hair.

And I like it.

That's all.

Presenters, drag queens and the silver shoe hunt.

The shoe quandry maybe coming to an end.. I have decide on a middle ground and ordered these babies.. part platform for legginess, part sandal for formal attire. A winner for all.

Well, hopefully. They haven't arrived yet, and they might be more Rue Paul than Cat Deely, knowing my luck.

The Ultimate Driving .. whatever.

Well the black clouds have finally lifted, all thanks to the nice people at BMW who have called to tell me my new car will be getting delivered on the 17th October. A whole 3 weeks early.


The Escape Artist is also simultaneously entertaining and grossing me out by catching & eating flies.

Plus I have finally got round to buying hair dye to change my hair to dark. Fingers crossed, in a hours time I will have a dark brown mane..

Happy days.

It's Catslife, bitch.

I have nothing to post today, other than to tell you I am in a foul mood. I haven't a clue why or what kicked it off, but everything is darkening it.

Even my mate, who's kind attempts to lighten it, are just annoying me.

I apologise to all.

Hello My Pretties..

I have the joys of my 3 year old cousin's birthday party on Sunday ( which I have been given the 3 line whip to attend) which I am dreading.

I am not a kiddie hater, but I do struggle with children.

It annoys me that there is no adult conversation around children, that any attempts are interrupted by little Johnny wanting us all to play with his fire engine together or watch his interpretation of river dance..

Or of course it descends into conversation about the child. I get nervous and uncomfortable especially when asked if I want to hold them. But this is the burden I must carry being of a certain age where all my friends are choosing to have children.

However the thing I am not looking forward to is the people have no qualms about asking 'so you must thinking about having yours soon'.. And of course when I answer 'Err no, I will be sticking with my cats'. I am given either the lecture of how rewarding children are or given the look like I have said I am the flipping Child catcher reincarnate.

The fact is, and I can honestly admit, I am far to narcissistic and selfish to have them. I like my own time, doing what I want, when I want & a night out doesn't have to be a 3 week planning exercise.

Coupled with the fear of wrecking my figure forever more.. Stomach isn't ever quite as flat again, chest drained of all life, cellulite on the thighs...Feck some women even lose teeth and their hair. Not to mention the car crash that happens down there during the birth.

I am feeling faint at the very thought.

A bit of Mr Manson..

does the soul good.

Shoes, chilli and other things inbetween.

My weekend was quite good in a busy and over far too quickly way.. Friday night was a Chinese from our local restaurant, which does great food but the owner is appropriately named 'crazy lady' by Mr C & I.. She is a very nice woman but slightly scatty and never writes down your order. Coupled with a short memory this means she has 4 attempts back to the table to confirm what we are drinking/ eating.. However as we are regulars and usually order the same things, I think it is getting easier for her to remember, so the return trips are down to 2..

We then went to see the new George Clooney film, the name escapes me, which says it all really. I didn't love or hate it, so that is as far as it goes. George wasn't looking particularly good in but he does wear a suit well.

Saturday was a pottering day, a tiny bit of shopping ( How great are New Look's shoes at the moment?? - I will dedicate a post them later ), a meal and a shitload of alcohol with my brother & his girlfriend in the evening , which was good fun. Needless to say I ended up utterly trashed on mohijtos and thinking it would be a good idea to make the evening reception of my wedding a 1950;'s casino theme.

My brother who was the only one not drinking managed at one point a fantastic Jackie Chan style move as he was telling a story and accidentally punched 2 glasses out the waitress's hands as she just about to put them down on the table. The glasses knocked together and smashed in her hands, showering me with a nice cocktail mix of Berry Mule & mohjhitos.

Sunday was spent fighting off a hangover and making a huge pot of chilli. I also saw Season 6 of 24 advertised last night and made a vow to myself to get back on the Bauer Addiction train.. It will cure my cross dressing / fat chef fancying nonsense. So full Keifer appreciation will be resumed as soon as possible.